Is this going to turn out to be the longest year in memory?
This past Thursday was tests day again. Every 6 months, I repeat the same tests and eye exam for the study I’m part of. Pretty quick and painless.
The upcoming Monday however? That’s probably gonna be not so painless. Seeing my Dr and having the massive privilege of doing a lumbar puncture. Fucking yay. What makes it even better (i.e. worse) is that there’s no fluoroscope this time. Which means that there’s a 50% chance that I’m going to end up in agonizing pain for days, not to mention the inability to walk properly, put on shoes….really do anything I normally do. Oh, and to top it off? I’m alone for a week, starting Monday. Oh happy day.
In other news, I’m over people. I want to disappear. My brain has been fucking with me for days on and off, finally peaking last night when it screwed up my dreams to the point where I’ve been reliving them all damn day, digging my hole deeper and there’s just no way out. At the same time, I can’t fucking wait for Monday, because I’ll be alone. I won’t have to cater to anyone, not pay attention to anyone and not have to function normally. The way I feel right now? I’m not sure a week will be enough. Ideally, I’d sleep for a year. Or disappear into a cabin in the woods, far away from civilization and people. No contact, no nothing. Just me. And nature. And maybe a nice lake.
Apparently, I have issues. Issues that I seem to be utterly useless at dealing with. I thought about it, in depth. Looked at it from all angles. I don’t see a solution, no way to process or anything. I know where they’re coming from, what’s causing them.
Like: I’m just a temporary thing, I’m a fix to your problems, a way for you to be a better person for anyone else. I’m your crutch for as long as you’re broken, and when you’re all healed I’ll be discarded like an old cast or bandage as you go back to your normal life with the things you REALLY want.
Oh or this one: I’m just a placeholder, a poor substitute until you get back what you lost. When that day comes, you will have no doubt in your mind, no problem whatsoever to say “Hey so, I’m wanted and desired again by the only one that matters. Thanks for all the hard work. Take care or whatever, honestly I don’t really care. Bye.” Oh oh, or maybe something like this “You know, you’re fun and all, but she’s better. So much better. I used to think you were better but you changed. I’m sick of your sickness. Thank fuck I can leave you finally. Bye”
But there’s no way to fix them. I guess these particular ones are the type that you just kind of need to ride out and hope you come back out on the other side in one piece. Oh and that you don’t ruin everything around you in the process.
Although…..honestly? I don’t feel like I deserve any of the things/people/anything that’s around me right now. So maybe ruining those things wouldn’t be so bad in the end.
Wow…. I guess this turned out to be more of a black hole than I initially thought. Fun times ahead!