It’s been over a year. To be fair, I kept it going for a while online until I recently decided that I missed the writing itself.
A lot of things have changed and yet, a lot is still the same. We moved, April of 2015. All of a sudden, we got like 5 offers on different apartments and ended up moving back to the island of Hisingen. One bedroom in a pretty decent area, the neighbors are mostly older people so it’s fairly quiet, no crazy parties or anything, even though some of them are weird.
I’m still not done with school which is a huge stress factor but I can blame no other than myself for that. Weight loss has happened but not nearly enough, as usual.
Our relationship changed, we opened it up after a lot of talk. May of 2015 I realized there was an awesome person out there who I really wanted to have be a part of my life. This realization was followed by a lot of innocent flirting with no expectations or even any belief that it would ever lead anywhere other than friendship. When he fell on harder times, I was there as support, to listen and advise when relationship mess happened.
Feelings… so many overwhelming feelings that eventually led us to <3, in November 2015 it was made official. On the 15th he finally managed to squeeze out three little BIG words; it took him about 30 minutes, a lot of squirming, huffing and hiding. He was scared that I didn’t feel the same way. Silly boy. On the 21st he said “Howdy partner!” which was absolutely ridiculous and absolutely wonderful. I could not have been happier.
Not everything was roses, puppies and sunshine of course. N had trouble reconciling the changes at first. That changed over time, he even had a partner of his own for 3 months or so but couldn’t deal with LDR, her husband being a flip-flopping asshole and causing a bunch of bullshit drama so that relationship ended in February.
I on the other hand went to California to see K. Found cheap tickets on Momondo (~$450 return trip) from Gothenburg to LAX via London, February 11-28. Of course the silly boy goes and crashes his car in north Hollywood on his way to the airport so C has to come pick me up. We miss out on the whole awkwardorkable airport thing but at least he was in one piece even though the car was totalled. I finally laid eyes on him at T’s place, with a deer-in-headlights look on his face right before he shoved me out the door, out of the apartment and squeezed the air out of me. In that moment, the very second his arms wrapped around me, I was home. I have never felt so safe, so right in my life. Ever. That feeling really shocked me so much so that I had trouble looking at him or making eye contact for a good while after. So awkward. We stayed at T’s for like 10 minutes and drove back home to Vista. Hopefully at some point I’ll be able to recount that whole trip before I forget. Let me just say that it was the best 2+ weeks of my life, without a doubt.
I came back a week ago and I’ve been miserable ever since. I came back, happy-crying to see N and got a pat on the shoulder and “Welcome back.” That was it.
I feel out of place, wrong, incomplete. N behaving that way makes it that much worse. Bleh.