My weird mood passed after spending a few hours organizing our stories. I had an idea. I’m making a book, as a gift for K. Printing our stories etc. I even wrote a new one. Doing that got me out of my mood and into a good one, at least for a little while.
Right now, I’m lonely. N has been gone most of the weekend – not sure when he’s coming back – but likely he’ll be back some time today. K has been sending me pictures and random stuff – I’ve not responded since yesterday afternoon, when I told him we’d talk on Monday. Can’t say I’m super happy about my decision but at the same time, he doesn’t really have time for me and so I’d rather stay out of the way.
That doesn’t change the fact that I miss him, that I’m wondering how he is, what’s happening, if he’s gonna talk to C or not. I’m not happy like this. One thing bothers me: I always call him at least once a day, when I go somewhere (like my parents’ or my sister’s). He hasn’t called once. No questions as to how I am, what I’m up to. Just random pictures and updates/non-updates (really mostly complaining about how he’s gonna have a hard time leaving the newfound kitty behind). That’s all I get. What’s worse is, if I were to point this out to him, he’d just get super upset and guilt would claim him and then he’d get all awkward and silent. No thanks.
So yeah, I’m lonely. Maybe I should just sleep some more. I’ve completely lost track of how much I’ve slept. I can’t tell if I’m in a good place or not, not truly. There’s too much going on in my head, to discern what’s what is nearly impossible at this point. I feel like a million things are happening, all at once. Although, that’s nowhere near true, I just think that I’m managing my stress levels very poorly.
None of that changes the feeling of chaos and loneliness, no matter which way I turn. Really all I have to do right now is hold on, keep my head down, keep working on stuff and do all I can on my end to get things done. It’ll all work out eventually, I just need to make sure that I don’t make myself sick in the process.
Unfortunately, it seems like all I do lately is complain.