I’m tired. Not due to a lack of sleep. I’m tired of weird moods and today I’m in a weird mood. Everything bothers me. It’s like a weird mix of irritated, sad, resentful, lonely. I think part of it is the always-present sense that everyone is out there living their lives, doing fun things and I’m here. Just stuck taking care of things, working, stressing out. Waiting. Not knowing what’s gonna happen, when and how. I thought I did, at least more than right now.
So I’m resenting N for not being here to take care of some stuff. Even though I hate it when he is here because I just want to be alone. I’m resenting K for doing fun things or at least having the freedom to. He’s gone up to H this weekend and a part of me resents him for it. Mostly because I have nowhere to go and even if I did, I wouldn’t have the money for it. None of which is his fault. It’s nobody’s fault. I’m just in a weird mood and I’m nearing the point where I don’t want to really engage him while he’s up there. And at the same time, I’m wishing that N will be gone all weekend too.
I hate this specific mood. Not the first time I’m in it, probably nowhere near the last time.
Really, all I want is for it all to be over.