I’m bored. I spend 99% of my time in this apartment. Current mood: annoyed, irked, bored, restless. It’s Saturday. I get it; he spends most of his time not at home, around others so he’s completely cool with just being here on the weekends. As long as I get out some time I’m good. Whatever.
But I sit here as he’s snoring (it’s past 4PM) and I ponder, and I try to get some sense of where my head is at, as one annoyance melds with the next. This might seem completely out of context right now but has to do with staying home/not seeing people. People like B, H, C. I’ve spent the last two weekends with H and C, not to mention C’s constant presence in my life as is, and I was just kinda feeling that this weekend I don’t want to see her if we end up going to LA. Why? Mainly because of feeling over-saturated. Because of the internal meaningful looks and jokes and faces and expressions, the longing stare in H’s kitchen last weekend. Because of the sense of being left out.
But I also came to a realization while trying to console myself with that old: he picked you, he married you.
The fact is that she left him initially. They would probably still be together if all that hadn’t happened. Hell, they were still together despite that happening. And so, all of a sudden the whole he picked you-bit isn’t so very helpful or soothing anymore.
I’m going to drive myself crazy with this. Yes, a lot of it is my insecurities coming to light. But that doesn’t change the fact of the constant insider thing. So what do I do? I can’t keep bringing it up because he doesn’t understand and so I’m the crazy one. Even though I know for a fact she’s not super fond of me. Even though I feel the fake. Even though I try to partake. It’s a shitty situation and I can’t fix it or even fully discuss it because of who she is to him as well as the fact that I don’t want to make things awkward or be that person.
I really don’t like people sometimes. Bleh.