Still not ready to go into details about the trip. My mood is like a yoyo. I haven’t had one whole entire day be good since I came back. Why am I not ready? Partially because of sadness. Most of the time I’m grieving a loss, it seems. And even if I caught myself at a good time, recounting the trip would make me crash. I’d remember how amazing it all was, how much I miss him, that I don’t know when I will see him again and that everything is bad now. Constantly.
Today was extra bad. Most of the day was spent discussing my irrational need to know everything, full disclosure, every conversation with every single person and still it turned out that K didn’t know what I meant. I managed to pull myself up and be mostly ok for all of ~2 hours when it re-triggered at the mention of CH PM. All that led to silence, 2+ hours of it. On Rabb.it. Followed by me monologuing for an hour, him getting annoyed/awkward, more silence. The last 30 minutes were mostly ok before he fell asleep.
I wear me out. Life is wearing me out.