Today has been… I don’t even know what. I’ve been exhausted all day. Mom has been calling because she’s worried about me being tired from antihistamines. Even though she knows they make you tired. Apparently my health still freaks her out. I don’t think that’s ever going to change.
Anyway, I woke up, could barely open my eyes, got up and did dishes for an hour. Then dinner. Felt faint. Moved back to the couch and had coffee. Food a couple of hours later. Bathroom visit ~30 minutes after food – it seems to be a thing now after every meal. Super fun. Not sure what’s going on with that. Even with the exhaustion the day wasn’t horrible, but that didn’t last long.
K crashed, he feels like all he does is create conflict for people – which I really don’t understand. Apparently thinking about C visiting next time triggered him. Because every time she visits, it creates conflict. For me, for her, all because of him. Mind you, this is his perception. I do not agree even a little bit. My conflict stems from me, from my inability/problem with having to share him. I was pretty ok with it before but I find that I’m struggling with it more and more. But that lies entirely with me, which I told him.
Anyway, that whole conversation mostly helped him feel a bit better. It made me feel crappy because it’s a constant reminder that he’s not all mine. I was struck with the realization of just how unhappy I was in the moment. Instant tears. How I spend 24/7 in this room, not doing anything worthwhile. My life at a standstill. Miserable. And the misery makes me less inclined to change. Vicious cycle.
Another realization about us. Even if we start the whole K1 process today, I still wouldn’t see him until 6 months from now, at the earliest. Next year more likely.
No wonder I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to crawl into a hole and die.