I completely lost my shit today. Worst day ever. Firstly, N announces, out of the blue, as he’s making dinner: “Oh by the way, Kim is on webcam just FYI.” Talk about having a ton of bricks dropped on my head. This made me so ridiculously uncomfortable in my own skin (I’ve never felt like that), which I told him. His response? “Ok *shrug*”. That was it. So I decided that, fine I’ll just go in the bedroom for the time being.
Eventually he ragequit after I, hours later, asked to check how much longer they’d be. Huge fight followed, in which he almost smashed a mirror in my face. A lot of yelling and crying – he’s never been this mean before. I’m finally completely done. Goal: survive the next couple of weeks and then never again.
The day just got worse when I found out that K had talked to C and didn’t wanna tell me about it at first; “not a big deal nor a bad thing”. Later I find out that they’d (she) decided that nothing changes. Fucking what?
-I don’t care about the label at all but she really does so we’re keeping it as is.
I was shaking. I don’t remember the last time that happened. Fight followed this one too, he didn’t get what the big deal was and felt like I was giving him an ultimatum yet again. I said I’d just extract myself, rethink and consider him poly from now on and see if I can be ok with this but that for now I wasn’t – meaning I can’t move in because uncomfortable. He felt that this was me forcing his hand. What the fuck do I do? If I accept it and go on with the plans, he’s ok but I’m not. If not, then neither of us are ok and he feels like I’m forcing him.
What a fucked up situation this was and he still couldn’t fathom why this is an issue. I told him; by your definition of partner, her and I are the same as long as you term us both partners. I’m not ok with this, especially if you keep saying that she’s less and yet making this particular decision to benefit her.
I don’t know if he got it and I don’t know what to do anymore. Eventually it all got too much and I just broke down completely and cried for like an hour straight. Nothing resolved. I’m so tired of dealing with this. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish none of this was happening. I wish he could understand that this hurts me and why. The funny thing is that I know that he agrees deep down, he’s said it himself. But she knows which buttons to push and around her, he’s weak. She knows how to work him.
I’m a wreck. We’ll see what happens tomorrow.