Life is fucking surreal. In general, on and off, life itself shifts from mundane and pedestrian to some kind of normal middle ground to the weirdest, most random and surreal shit you’ve ever seen. Currently, my life is so fucking surreal. I was going to say chaotic at first, but that felt very inaccurate as an overall description. Yes, it is chaotic at times. Both bad chaos and good chaos (if there is such a thing).
Surreal fits better. Surreal is where I’m at. Honestly, I have no idea how to feel about it. I want to say that I’m okay with it but… am I okay with it 100% or is it the typical emotional rollercoaster ride like it usually tends to be? I can’t tell. Right this moment, my head is not in the best place. Perhaps I should have done this entry the minute I got the idea, because I’m fairly certain that it would have sounded very different than it does now. As usual, I got distracted by other things and so now it’s taking on a whole other form.
Part of the surreality of it all is due to the sudden job opportunities that arose more or less simultaneously in the span of a week…. after not getting anywhere for months. It’s like a conspiracy or something. I apply for a job. The next day I get called in for an interview. I’m apparently interesting enough to get a second interview. The job itself is interesting but short (start immediately, work 1-2 months with possible extension). Day after that, I get a call from another firm about a job I applied for 1-2 weeks prior, but instead of offering me that job, she has a different one she wants to get me a second interview for. A job that is longer and more attractive. The next day, the people from the first job call and offer me the position. I tell them about the other job opportunity and ask for a little bit of time to decide and also try to reach the contact for the 2nd job and see what the deal is. The contact for the 2nd job has basically no idea how far the recruitment process has come since it was no longer in her hands. I call back and decline the offer for the first job. Nothing more happens for a week.
2 days ago, I apply for another job late at night. Early the next morning they call and ask me to come in for an interview. That interview was yesterday afternoon. Early this morning they call and ask me to go to a second interview. That was this afternoon. And now….. I wait. Again.
Did I mention I don’t like waiting?
Did I mention that this whole job situation these past 2 weeks has been…..crazy? Chaotic? Stressful? Awesome? Ridiculous?
I mean, honestly. What the fuck is going on? I find myself just staring through things and shaking my head each time I think about it.
Now, the other huge surreal part of my life. The relationships. The love. The fact that I’ve been with the same man for 8 years now and out of nowhere there is this other man who draws me in. I was of the impression, way before this all happened, that the way for me to go – what felt natural and obvious somehow – was having the means and opportunity to let myself love more than one person with the same kind of love. It has been a defining discovery. That was a while back, and I didn’t really think about it all that much after that. We discussed it and floated some notions around and that was that.
But then, the other one kinda wormed his way in under my skin, slowly but surely. And I felt a massive burst of emotions, again. My capability of loving and caring for somebody else made itself known in a very dramatic way. I feel like I found myself. Again. It really is an amazing feeling and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world and I have no idea what I ever did to deserve this.
Still, I sometimes wonder if it’s all real. If it’s a dream. If I’m hallucinating or reading way too much into everything that’s going on around me. We even joked about it a bit:
What if, not only the other person is a hallucination, but everyone else around you is playing along because telling/showing you the truth never worked before and never will? What if you’re actually talking to air? Or the dog?
I want to say that I’m pretty sure that that’s not the case. I mean, I’m not that crazy after all. But I really do wonder sometimes.
Yes, life is surreal. I’m happy. I’m so damn happy I want to shout it from the rooftops, dance, jump around and just shove my happy in everyone’s faces. Day in and day out I teeter on that edge, wanting to throw myself off, wanting to burst into a googol pieces because of all the nice, gooey, lovely, amazing emotions that seem to be having a hell of a party inside me. So, why then do I sound so……cranky? Grumpy?
Because words matter. Because this is a two-way street. Because communication. I’m sure there are hundreds more reasons but honestly? I just can’t even go there right now. I’m still trying to decide whether I should be sick of myself for my reaction, or annoyed at others for saying shit.
I. Don’t. Know. Maybe I love it. I probably do.